Twenty Thoughts While Updating My Resume

If I've said it once, I've said it a million times, I'm still searching for that forever job. I've sent my resume countless places, tweaked it easily four thousand different times. I have a folder on my computer that has no less than twelve different versions I have updated in the past year. I hate resumes. During my last update, I jotted down my thoughts while trying to update my resume for yet another round of job applications. 

1. I hate that they're not supposed to have color. Black + white is so not my vibe. 
2. I don't think I can be described in bullet points, no matter how much I like to use them here.
3. I genuinely cannot pick a font that is easy to read, fits with all of the information I have to put on one page, and also somehow helps me stand out. 
4. I always feel like I could explain any of the bullet points in so much more detail if you would just talk to me. I would gladly make a video resume if that was a legitimate thing. 
5. All of my recent volunteer work was done through my previous jobs, not a volunteer organization but I can't really put that into words for you. 
6. I haven't held a leadership role in any community positions because my career path causes me to move around keeping me from making two or three year commitments, but there's not a way to put that on there. 
7. What if this hiring manager only reads resumes in Times New Roman. Why why are there so many fonts? I really love fonts guys. 
8. I know my internship was four, almost five years ago, but don't they need to know I worked my way up? I started out unpaid? 
9. Do I give my major GPA or my cumulative GPA? because they're very different. If I give my major GPA because it's higher, will they think I'm hiding something? If I give my cumulative GPA will they think I'm an idiot since it's just barely over 3.0? Accounting was really hard at UGA. So were all of those classes I took when I was an engineering major. 
10. Are you sure I can't make my name like a logo? Can't I make it red? That would be so pretty. 
11. What if the hiring manager spells his name Casey + thinks I spelled mine wrong? 
12. Should I try to go by Kathleen? Is Kathleen more professional since it's my legal first name and Kasey is just what people call me because you cannot shorten it to Katie? 
13. Oh wait I can't go by Kathleen because of what happens when you google search Kathleen Decker you get all of the stuff about that one Nets intern..
14. What if the hiring manager went to UF and throws my resume away because I was told to put my education first instead of last? 
15. Should I reword the description of this event to focus more on my skills under pressure rather than the size and moving parts of the event? 
16. Does it sound braggy if I say it had the largest turnout in the history of the event? Or does that just show I did a good job?
17. OH NO. Did I spell "detail oriented" right? Did I even put that on there?
18. Do all of these bullet points line up?
19. Crap what happens if they google search and end up on my blog and they don't like that I said I didn't like to wear shoes in my "about me" section?
20. Oh, what happens if they go to my blog and see this list I should probably stop making this list. 

As I was making this list the other day, I was also working on my cover letter. Can we just talk about how cover letters are the worst? Just read my resume, if I meet the qualifications, call me. What do you stress about when making your resume updates? Any suggestions? Also, linking up for Listed Tuesday, because obviously.

To Follow Up, or Not To Follow Up, That Is the Question

If I have read one article on how you should "follow up" after you submit your resume and cover letter for a position, I have read a million. What I'm also reading a million times is "calls will not be accepted, we will contact you if we're interested in your application" at the end of a job posting. This makes me want to pull my hair out, because now am I supposed to follow written instructions at the end of a job description? Is this a test to see if I will follow up regardless of a little discouragement? Is it a challenge, a follow up if you dare? Maybe it's the volume of applications people in the sport and entertainment industry get and other job descriptions don't say "calls will not be accepted."

I really want to follow up with the organization I'm applying to. I'm very self conscious about my resume, I feel like I have a lot of skills and talents to offer, and one sheet of bullet points about my life just doesn't do that justice. I know I wrote a satirical cover letter a few months back, but I feel like that side of my personality just cannot come through in a simple, direct cover letter and resume. It's the natural born salesperson in me fighting to get out, if I can just get this person on the phone, I can show them why they should hire me. In fact, if I were applying to a sales position and the description told me not to call, the first thing I would do is call.

The biggest issue everyone faces in sales, yes even that guy you know who could sell sand in the desert, is people not wanting to hear your pitch. It's the cold calls that hang up on you. It's the person who says "call me back at the end of the quarter" every quarter. That challenge separates successful sales people from the mediocre.  The good successful sales person knows persistence is key, they're confident that their product is exactly what the person on the other end of the line needs. [I may have been listening more to my father make his coaching calls for Southwestern Consulting than I realized.]

I've also noticed that a majority of these articles are written in a condescending tone to "millineals," a term that seems to be used to describe anyone born after sometime in the mid-1980's (usually with a negative connotation as well.) People of "our generation" are constantly described as lazy, entitled, outspoken, and narcissistic (Nicole really nails that description here), yet what your condescending job hunt articles are telling us to do is be just that way. Assume that "calls will not be accepted" means "we want to see if you're going to call to follow up even though we told you not to" assume that you want to see a cover letter or e-mail cocky enough to say "I know I'm so well suited for this position that I'm going to send you this little pitch on what your company should be doing with xyz"

So the real question is, do you think "calls will not be accepted" is a challenge to see if you're willing to call and follow up or a test to see if you're going to follow the rules? Any hiring managers have a suggestion for me?